Lend me your eyes..

What I see is not always 100% in focus.  I lead with my heart 90% of the time.   Im indecisive.  I change my mind lots of times.  I search for perfection but the beauty of it is nothing is ever perfect.  And I'm learning to embrace the imperfect.  

Let me show you what I see.  I promise its beautiful..

Quote Junkie

Just a little quote I fell in love with! 

Ben

Seriously I die over this!  Fall in love with the lyrics, let your heart swoon as he picks his guitar, and let his voice wrap you up into a big fuzzy blanket. I could listen to this 200 times a day and never get tired of it.  Maybe 201 even..

"We stood steady the stars in the wood..."

In An Instant

It's amazing the things you can realize in an instant.  It's like that whole saying about a light bulb going off.  Today this happened to me.  Someone said one little thing to me and BAM, everything made sense.  I am grateful for the good friends that I have who help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Especially those who have been through so much and are really good at putting things into perspective.  Happy Monday..  

My Constant

This man is my only constant.  I am forever thankful for him and I truly believe that God had a plan for me when he created this man, my constant. 

Thank you to my amazing friend Kandis of Wish Photography for taking this photo for me. 

Whip Lash

I've been feeling a little bit of whiplash lately.  And not the kind from a car accident.   The kind where someone asks you to do one thing and then when you follow their request, it  gets thrown back in your face.  People say that they want you to be up front and honest with them, but when confronted with what you are being honest about, they can rarely handle our honest truth.  

After facing this situation, is it worth it to be honest and truthful in our relationships when we risk having a future relationship at all?  Or do we sugar coat things as if to not be completely honest and hope that the point comes across eventually, exhausting ourselves the whole way through?  Or do we just not say nothing at all and in a sense be lying to not only the other person but also to ourselves?

Taken Out of Context

I hate how text messaging and Facebook have made things so easy to be taken out of context.  People often take things the wrong way when written in a message rather than heard vocally.  The way one reads something can sometimes come off complete opposite of how the author has written the message.  This is why I think its so important to say something to someone to their face.. or their ear.. when you want to share.  Especially when it's feelings of depth or heartache. And in case you're someone out there reading this.. I am writing this with a heavy heart and not with one of anger.  

3 Years

Today marks three years of being legally bound to my love.  It has been the easiest three years.  People told me marriage would be hard, especially the earlier years.  Honestly I can say that they have been a breeze and have gone by so fast.  I am beyond blessed to have this man as a constant in my life.  He is one of the few..

A Text Message

Today I am thankful for people being there for me without even knowing I needed them at that very moment.  A text message from a friend miles away is just what I needed.  Thank you! 

To Feel Beautiful

I can't say that many times in my life have I ever felt extremely beautiful.  I am truly not getting down on myself.  I just don't picture myself as an object of beauty.  I do love my heart though and can see the beauty there.  A few nights ago I got together with my friend Kandis photos and fun.  She too is a photographer.  I accompanied her to a shoot and dinner but in between she snagged these photos of me.  I was all sorts of awkward but some how she managed a few keepers.  I can honestly say that besides my wedding day, these photos share a moment that I feel most beautiful.

Words Of Affirmation

Despite the fact that I'm not loving that we have already been getting snow here in Utah, this image is inspiring me at the moment.  I have so many ideas brewing in my little brain.  But I get scared.  I worry that I won't be able to carry out my ideas to complete perfection and I always second guess myself.  I need a little push..someone to tell me I should go for it.  Words of affirmation if you will.  Someone to tell me that my idea is genius.  Or maybe I just need to dig down deep for some confidence.  

Safety..in black and white

Something about about having your man's hand on the small of your back.  To me nothing feel's more safe.  Like nothing can hurt me.  And everything will be alright.  It is such a soft and delicate spot.  A place that makes my heart feel warm and kept whenever I'm held there. 

This Guy..

..hiding behind glasses.. he stole my heart almost 7 years ago.  He refuses to give it back..and Im okay with that.  I can't imagine giving it back.  Forever, he has my permission to have it. 

I walked down the isle to this song the day I became his wife..

Absent

My little brain is on fire.  Nothing but go go go with not signs of slowing down this month or next.  I am happy but also bursting with inspiration and ideas with no time to apply.  Soon soon...maybe I'll take a month off... sorry for my absence.

Questioning More

I am constantly questioning myself:

Is there more out there for me?

How can I get better? 

Is this ALL that life has to offer me?

Am I meant for greatness or just the simple life?

How do I find greatness?

Do I make it happen?

How do I make it happen NOW? 

I am constantly questioning myself.  Even though I don't know what it is that I really want, I often wonder if there is more out there for me.

Lia Ices - After Is Always Before

I say you're golden babe..

Making Friends

I've come to the realization that one of the hardest things in the adult world is making friends.  We're not forced into social situations like school, college, or church (because mom and dad made you go).   No more more summer sports and no more summer camps.  It's especially hard when you work out of your home.  And for those who are incorporate America and allowed or able to find friendships in co-workers-lucky you.

I find the older I get, the more important it is for me to make friends who I have things in common with. Not that I don't have great friends who are completely opposite of myself, but my soul yearns to have friendships with those who love the things that I too love.  Someone(s) I can delve into my hubbies and favorite things with.  Someone who will understand what makes me tick and understand my dreams.  I feel like everyone around me is settling down and relaxing with life, while I still yearn for adventure and always being on the go.  I sometimes wonder if that part of me will ever come to a halt or even slow down.

So how does one find new friends when you're about to breach the rightful old age of 30? Okay not old but I'm not a young pup anymore either.  My husband and I went out to breakfast at a trendy little dinner in Salt Lake a couple of Sundays ago when I spied this amazing specimen of a female.  Her tattoo on her arm immediately drew my attention.  So colorful and bright.  She rung us up after our meal and she was so so nice.  She had the cutest hair piece and bright red lips.  This was my kind of girl.  Artsy, colorful, fashionable, and a lover of red lipstick.

As my husband and I left the restaurant and headed back to the car, I asked him "how do I become friends with someone like that?"  His response, "tell her 'we should hang out'!" Really?? Do adults do that?  Especially with someone of the same sex? (Not to be confused with me asking a male to hang out as I am obviously married)  The introvert in me would in no way let the extrovert win this battle.  I imagine them in a heated tug-of-warm game with the intro yanking the extro maliciously over the line telling her "theres no way in hell you have the guts to do something like that."  Why?  Because it all boils down to my fear of rejection and looking like an ass..or a stalker..or weirdo.  Not to say that the tattooed gem of a friend would have turned me away but you never know.  I can say that if someone approached me and suggested we hang out, I would be all for it.

I have been brainstorming the last few weeks on how to find individuals who like the things that I do.  Most of my thoughts drift towards a volunteer or non profit organization that I feel passionate about (and can manage squeezing into my schedule), photography get togethers,  the SLC Instawalk or different types of festivals.  Really, it can't be as hard as I am building it up to be and and when I finally decide which direction to go, I need to let the extrovert in me have a fair battle with maybe a win at tug-of-war here and there.

Totally digging this right now..

Face Up

I'm looking for more than a little bit
I'm gonna have to find my way through it
Gonna leave a mark, I'm gonna set a spark
I'm coming up off the ground
I won't be looking down

A pretty song for days you're feeling down 

Baby Got Groomed..

My little Archie Bear has been pretty ragged for the last couple of months... the poor guy needed his nails trimmed horribly and a hair cut should have been had long ago.  I always get a little nervous dropping him off to get groomed.  I've heard horror stories of groomers getting to close with the trimmers and cutting doggies to the point of needed stitches.  My little guy already suffers from horrible anxiety and although he acted tough when I dropped him off, I could tell he was nervous.  He pants about 10 times harder than he does when it's just an excited pant.  When I picked him up though I almost cried.  He looked a million times better and I could tell that he felt like a million bucks!  If you know me well you know that my puppies are my babies.  I just need to take him to the groomer more often. 

A Boudoir Studio

I am a dreamer.  Almost to the point where it becomes distracting.  I constantly catch myself snapping..well, myself back to reality.  I like this part of me most though.  Without dreams and goals, is life really worth living.

One of my biggest dreams has been to have my very own boudoir studio.  This dream is one I just couldn't snap back from.  I was determined to make it come true.  It's happening.  I'm off to the store to to buy fabric. I plan to have this all finished by the end of next week.

Never Stop..

I will not.  It's the reason I'm alive..

A McFarland Adventure

So maybe most wouldn't categorize a drive and a picnic as an adventure but for us it was.  We, or at least I, are still discovering Utah.  Tony obviously knows and has seen much more than I since he grew up here.  I was pretty happy to know that he hadn't ever explored Emigration Canyon so we made a little mini date night out of it.  One thing I adore most about my husband is his open mind for adventure.

The drive was beautiful.  We took in the fresh, cool, high mountain air.  So many beautiful trees.  The winding road felt like it would never end.  Until we of course hit a dead end.  We came back down, parked, and had our own little charming dinner of cold sandwiches, chips & salsa, and apples with peanut butter.  Pure perfection.

Thoughts on babies..

Oh babies...where can I start?

Almost 3 years ago I married my prince.  Prior to getting married, we dated for three years.  Two of those three years we lived together.  SINNERS!!  I know!  But those two years helped me to know if he was truly the one.  They helped me to get to know him on a level that I wouldn't have otherwise known.  They helped us to know that we could stand each other for long periods of time, that we were okay with each others habits.  They helped us to really really deep down get to know one another.   

Fast forward to now, and I feel like I still want to live with him for a couple more years before we start a family.  I still want to keep getting to know him.  I want him to be mine all mine.  I want to spoil him. I want us to be able to pick up and go and do whatever we want without having to make plans for a child.  And honestly, I know when a baby comes, even though we won't be able to do that as easily, we probably won't want to.  

My point is is that I love this man so much and so deep down, that I am not yet ready to give him up..even a tiny little piece..to another.  Everyone tells me that motherhood is the most amazing thing and that I will love my child(ren) more than anyone or anything else in the world.  But right now, HE is the one I want that for.  I am not ready to interrupt the Amy and Tony show yet.  I like us and I like it being just us at the moment.  

So many people are always asking us, "When are you guys going to have a baby?"  Especially now since my two siblings who are both younger than I both have babies.  Its a little backwards in our bunch.  Being constantly asked gets a little annoying but when someone asks "well why not yet" get's really old.  Just because someone get's married doesn't mean they have to have babies right?  Thats not our case but I didn't realize there was some sort of timeline either as to how long you're supposed to wait.  

So when then?  We really don't know yet.  We're just really happy with where we're at right now.  I know that we'll never be 100% ready, but right now were 0%..mentally at least.  I love my Tony and right now my time is for him and he wants his to be for me.  So until the time comes that we have a baby...STOP asking us.  It's annoying!  Haahaa!  We'll have one when we're ready.

Baby Hazel--6 Months Old

I cannot believe this little baby is 6 months old.  She is not my baby but she is my niece and I swear I love her like she were my own. This cuteness should be illegal.

Happy Monday

Today is a good day..

Got up early and went and did cardio.  I am on a mission to get back into..wait.. back??...when was the last time I was even in shape??  I'm on a mission to get into shape.  I started weight lifting too.  We are going to do that in the evenings and cardio in the morning.  More on that soon.  Progress tracking perhaps.  

Roast in the crock pot.

Two sessions sorted. 

It's 10 a.m.  

The day is mine! 

Staycation..

I had a fabulous last few days in downtown Salt Lake.  My husband's parents, sisters, brother in law, and nephews came to town on Wednesday and we all stayed at a hotel.  Bee's game and fireworks,  lots of swimming, eating out (my waistline is hating me right now), shopping, and a trip to Lagoon made for a fun-filled 3 days.  I am lucky to have such great relationships with his parents and sisters.  Family is one of the most important things to me and I don't think I could have made it moving to Utah without them.  Enjoy these fun Instagram shots from the last few days..

Clear my head..

Today I feel like I could burst, like theres something inside I need to get out.  Yet, I don't know what it is.  I feel anxious and antsy.  I feel like maybe there's something coming but I don't know what.  I feel like sometimes I lose the truth in myself but am so confused as to how.  Maybe I need a break from life.  Just a day.  Just a few hours.  Time for me alone and me only.  A blanket under a tree where I can look up into the blue and get lost in my thoughts.  Doesn't that sound lovely?  Maybe I need to make that happen this week.

Working on it..

I can't be mean.  It's not in my nature.  When I hear that someone has described me as mean or called me that, my jaw hits the floor.  Truly I am not.  If anything I feel like I'm too nice.  I tend to shut down and ignore confrontational situations, I rarely stick up for myself, and I get my feelings hurt often.  

I'm working on it though. 

I can say that I have gotten a bit better at communicating.  Rather than hiding my feelings after taking the accusation and what not, I ask questions and try to understand where someone's feelings are coming from.  I want to be better not only at taking care of me but also fixing or should I say "fine tuning" my flaws.  Never will I be a perfect person or even come close.  But I'd like to be a better me tomorrow vs the me I am today.  

So here's to getting better at being mean.  Okay, scratch that.  Here's to getting better at sticking up for myself and controlling my emotions so that I can feel hurt less.  Tomorrows a new week.  What a great place to start..

Autumn

Today I have been daydreaming of Autumn.  And how ironic since it's the first day of Summer.  I am craving the feel of a warm sun on my face with a crisp cool breeze in the air.  Nothing better then being cozied up in a hoodie while lounging on a metal bleacher with a bunch of men throwing the pigskin around on a field in front of you.  Okay maybe I'm not super crazy about football, but I think back to the days of college football cheerleading and can't help but reminisce. 

It's funny how a song can bring up a memory or a period in time.  A season even.  The below song did just that.  I remember when I first bought this album I didn't play it much in the beginning but that coming fall this pretty little tune constantly played on my computer and iPod.  

I yearn for a place to live that has Autumn weather all year round.  How about you?

Reinvention..

I feel like lately I've been on this path to reinventing myself.  It all started with the fact that I have been wanting to change my branding.  I went to lunch with a friend and she gave me a great idea.

"Start a board on Pinterest that is all about you.  Pin anything that is you.  Clothes, home decor, colors, etc."

I did and I was a little surprised with the outcome.  But a good surprised.  I realized that I still have a love for bright colors, bold patterns, and all things modern, but a lot of the new things I was pinned were softer colors, clean lines, and vintage touches.  Believe me, my head was in a whirl.  But now I feel like I am on a path in life that I love.  Things in my world have always been peachy keen.  I definitely can't complain.  I just feel different now.  I feel anxious.  Excited.  I'm really happy with the direction I'm headed with work, friendships, and hobbies.